i like to call this one "senior year"

Things haven't been going spectacularly, they hope to turn things around suddenly.

denouement

i've written these words far too many times,

and the lines are starting to blend together

and i read somewhere that it takes four minutes to fall in love with someone,

but it's been four months, and what if no one cares.

but i wanted to tell you,

that when i laugh i cry

and sometimes i scream as loud as i can when i'm alone in the car

because i want to know what it feels like to be so alive.

and when i was twelve i cried because i knew i wouldn't go to hogwarts,

and my claim to fame is that i got swine flu one time at lagoon (no lie)

and i love my dog more than i love cake

and i like to listen to my music loud enough to hear it beating with my heart

and i just wanted to say thank you.

because

i heard it takes four minutes to fall in love with someone,

but it's been four months.

and i love you 

xo,          

                             erin marie mcdonald

*click*

pocketful of poetry - mindy gledhill

abc - alexander fairchild

lucky - kat edmonson

hello my old heart - the oh hellos

postcards - james blunt

helplessly - tatiana manaois

please dont say you love me - gabrielle aplin

catch & release - matt simons

stranger to love - charles perry

ignition (remix) - the wind and the wave

ghosts- casey abrams

(ill upload a link to the playlist soon!!)

love paris

my heart used to be so young.

my heart started crying the first day it heard about pain

it kept saying that "it wasn't fair, and couldn't they understand that it wasn't fair?" 

but nobody listened. 

and my heart got tired of speaking.

and my body could only handle so much salt

my heart started to shudder when it first heard about death.

the doctor said it was an "atrial flutter" and that my heart should stop worrying.

(but that didn't stop my heart from worrying)

and my heart started cracking when it heard about Paris.

and all it could say was

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

timed to its own beating.

but

our hearts used to be so young.

you've got

you've got that black heart,

                    black soul                                                          

which doesn't make sense with the way you slather on hope like sunscreen, spf 109

you've got those black eyes,

                                          black hands,

                                                                  but you've always preferred green.

good black don't crack, or so they say.

but honey you're cracked.

you're more cracked than crack, and crack is whack (don't do drugs)

you've got those black lungs,

                                          black tongue

and you pretend like you stopped caring a while ago

wishin'

how to make a wish

• shooting stars
• eyelashes
• birthday candles
• 11:11
• 12:12, 1:11, 2:22 etc. if you're really desperate
• wishing rocks
• lucky pennies
• dandelion fluff
• wishing wells/fountains
• 1,000 paper cranes
• a stolen kiss
• four leaf clover
• first star you see at night
• wishbones
• catch a falling autumn leaf
• cross your fingers
• wish bracelets

i think i have a bad connection

 i live in the basement you see,

can you hear me now?

i never was good at origami

and my dandelions never completely blew away 

but i can't help thinking that someday i'll find a way

but bracelets always looked weird on my arms

and i'm scared of my eyelashes falling out.

and here in highland, utah we seem to have a shortage of wells

and well, 

i forgot what i was supposed to be wishing for.

i have well wishes

and best wishes

but really

i wish i wasn't wishing anymore.

D word

thats right, Death.

Death is 5' even and often overlooked
Death will flirt with anyone
Death is also kind of a lip slut because she'll kiss anyone.
Death is selfish. she wants everyone and everything, she'll take you even if you don't want to go
but Death is kind. 
Death takes away your pain and your hurt and your sorrow.
Death is waking up from that sunday afternoon nap.
but Death is also the thing at the bottom of the stairs after you've turned off the lights.
Death is the chills you get when you feel like something is watching you.

Death is a participation award

and everyone gets one.

Death is a lover

but Death never really did care.

"That’s all you got. You got love and you got death. Death will find you… it’s up to you to find love. That’s where most people fall down at. Death got room for everybody. Love picks and chooses."

i ain't afraid of no ghost

I never was afraid of heights.

its the falling that always scared me.

And I never was too afraid of the future,

until i though about how close it was.

my fears all live in paradoxes

i'm afraid of my potential and i'm afraid that i don't have enough potential

i'm afraid of never being loved and i'm afraid of love

endings have always frightened me and beginnings made me sick

i'm afraid of 18

i'm afraid of never being able to leave this town and i'm afraid of being left behind

i'm afraid of you and i'm afraid of me

and i'm afraid of growing up to be empty

tired eyes

i think i felt my heart breaking

i was laying in bed and i swear it

i felt my heart breaking.

i felt my heart aching

i felt my heart racing

faster than it should

and it just didn't make sense.

see my heart,

has a sign on it.

it reads: OUT OF COMMISSION

it started slowing down a while ago.

and i never could get a good pulse,

but you see

i think my heart is breaking.

or maybe it's waking

up.

you were never a brick

you were never a brick

bricks are strong. firm foundation and all that.

you were paper mache.

at least your heart was, because it kept blowing away

you were never a brick

bricks are reliable

you're web md and I can't trust anything you say

you were never a brick

But then again

I guess neither was I. 

letter to myself about love.

give it a little time.
tell your mom you love her. tell yourself you love yourself. eventually it'll come easier.
don't chase after the boys with pretty eyes and sweet lies and poisonous hands. 
all that will get you is puffy eyes and no offense, but that's not really a look you can rock.
tell your brother you love him and listen to his stories about his games even if you think they're dumb because time is running out and what if this is all there ever is
write more letters.
tell everyone you love them, because everyone needs to hear it more often.
especially tell yourself. i love you. and what's cookin' good lookin'?
go and buy yourself some sushi and share it.
you might not have been in love with the boy 4 houses down in the cul de sac across the street, but your mom puts out a 3 pronged fork on your spot at the table, and when you're sad your dog puts its head on your lap and i think thats all you need to know.
you can forgive them
and yourself.


xoxo, i love you.

If you tell on me so help me

• in first grade i cheated on my personality test (i looked off my best friend's)
• i used to switch all the gross halloween candy i had with my brothers and sister's good candy when they left their bags alone
• one time i told my dad that my little brother spilled the gallon of milk on the floor instead of me and he got in really big trouble
• i caught a snake and a salamander and put them together in a bucket and when i woke up there was just decomposing fluid and i threw the whole thing away and never told my mom
• i told him i didn't like him but i did.
• i told my friend she should get a pixie cut but i really just wanted her to have shorter hair than me
• i laughed at that joke and i didnt even get it

screw you utah and parents for making me say "em" instead of "am"

I am the way i care about things. deeply and without much forethought so i'm told

I am the way think puns are probably the best type of humor created

I am the way that when I look at the night sky, I choose the brightest star and tell myself that it is me. 

I am the songs i sing in the shower and my favorite books to read

I am the birthmark on my back

I am the way i only sleep with fuzzy blankets, and no sheets

I am the way i say "am" apparently it sounds like "em" sometimes

I am the way i crinkle my nose

I am the way i think my ears are too big

I am my laugh and the way i dance around in my room when i'm alone

I am the way i laugh till i cry

I am my highs and my lows

I am my parents divorce

I am my heart pounding in my chest

I am

I am

I

am

Am

I

Human?

this means something

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10

10

i knew you too well, and somehow, not enough

9

i don't know what happened but we don't talk

8

i wish i knew where i was headed

7

some things are better felt than heard

6

close your eyes. listen. you see?

5

one day i'll be okay

4

i still love you

i'm still missing you

im happy for you

not everything is poetry

3

today, i'm okay

2

i'm okay

1

okay.

are you happy though?

school taught me

• mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell
• don't ask teachers why you have to learn their subjects
• if someone asks you "how are you" you answer good
• (even if you aren't)

crayons taught me

• i like dandelion yellow and turquoise blue together
• scarlet is a pretty color
• things are made for sharing
• if you break a crayon more people can use it
• its okay to color outside the lines

when you get bigger they take your crayons away

and

they give you a #2 pencil and a scantron test instead

they take away the coloring books and give you textbooks

they draw a line and say

DO NOT CROSS

and then because they think you don't understand

 they bend closer to you and say

color inside the lines

so if you don't mind

id like my crayons back.

i think i'd like to give coloring outside the lines a try.

smile collection

I have a smile for every occasion

smiles that make your face ache

fake smiles

plastic glued on smiles

sad smiles

go away smiles

annoyed smiles

laughing smiles that break into millions of beautiful pieces

contagious smiles

disappointed smiles

real smiles

show all your teeth smiles

unwilling smiles that slip out

accidental smiles that stay on your face without you even realizing

carefree smiles

nervous smiles

smiles you just can't hold back

for the longest time i hated smiling

i'd only smile with my mouth closed

what i didn't know 

was

that my real, imperfect smile

was better

than any perfect fake smile

so this is for you.

the people who smile with your mouths closed

you're beautiful

why we all should wear hats

• you don't have to wash your hair nearly as often
• you can hide when you're embarrassed
• bad hair day solutions

• less commitment

asterismos

we had a secret language.
one two three you would squeeze my hand
and one two three I would squeeze back.
i love you , it said, i love you.

you showed me the stars
and I thought you hung them yourself.

funny how things can change

unwritten

I've written this post 14 times but each time it wasn't good enough.
Even now i'm looking at the backspace button. 

I wish I could step out onto this stage and look everyone straight in the eye.
I wish you wouldn't see my shaking knees and hear my voice crack.
I wish you all wouldn't know I was scared.

but I am.

introduce yourself

hi. i'm scared.

i'm not here for fresh pressed paper, clean lines, no eraser marks. i'm here for that paper you folded up and put in your back pack and then forgot about, because that's the one that matters. that's the one that's real.
 I'm here for dragging out the truth, prying it out so I can see what it is because even I don't know.

I am the 4 drafts I wrote halfway and then didn't publish. They weren't right. I don't know if anything will be.
I am the way I feel when I wake up in the morning after sleeping in. The good kind of sleeping in. Where the breeze and the light filter through the curtains and nothing can go wrong if you just stay there a little longer.
I am the laugh you make when nobody is around.
I am Annelies Marie.
I have a story.
I'll tell  you about it when I figure it out.